In various types of relationships, whether that be parent-child, grandparent-grandchild, brother-sister, husband-wife, student-teacher, or any other type, we often find that a good amount of respect within the relationship helps us value the relationship more. When you look at all the different categories of relationships (not just romantic ones) respect is probably one of the most important qualities, and is also a common denominator of the best relationships.
If we think of the Golden Rule – “Treat others like you want to be treated” – this idea stems from the concept of respect. We have to respect others no matter what and treat them in a way we would want to be treated. And, specifically, when it comes to holding conversations with those around us, the concept of “active listening” becomes crucial in building and maintaining healthy relationships.
What does it mean to be an active listener? It’s quite simple.
Let’s start with the word “listener”. We have to ask ourselves if we are truly listening to others when they speak. Are we just hearing them or are we actually LISTENING? Hearing indicates your ears are physically detecting the sounds that are coming out of someone’s mouth, but listening goes beyond that – your brain is actually processing what they are saying.
Another thing I personally know to be a great practice when it comes to active listening is asking follow-up questions/asking the person to clarify something. This not only shows them you are actually listening, but gives you a chance to really mull over what they said in your head. It gives your brain a minute to process, think, and then formulate whatever you are going to say next. In fact, some of the most intelligent people I know are the ones who take time to speak. They avoid speaking just for the sake of speaking/trying to be the smartest person in the room. Instead, they take time to think critically and formulate an answer. Needless to say, it also makes you a more thoughtful and compassionate person because you are training yourself to be mindful of how you affect others.
Next, when people are speaking, try to avoid formulating your own counterarguments in your head while the person is still speaking. Since most of us can’t multitask, when we do this we unintentionally stop listening to the speaker. Not to mention, if you spurt out a comment as soon as someone finishes their sentence, odds are they’ll know you weren’t actually listening. In a day and age where both actions and words can truly hurt those around us, we have to be extremely intentional and aware of how those actions and words affect others.
All in all, no one likes it when they feel unheard or unimportant in a conversation. Of course, there will always be someone who unintentionally interrupts you because they are excited or something. That’s normal. But what we are trying to avoid are those automatic arguments that start to form in our heads once someone says something we want to react to. We don’t always have to be argumentative. Often, this can lead to misunderstandings and it all just gets very messy. It’s okay to disagree with someone, but wording it in a way that is respectful and mindful makes all the difference.
So let’s try to avoid those situations and challenge ourselves to be better ACTIVE listeners. Let’s ask those follow-up questions. Let’s make sure we truly understand the other person’s point of view. Let’s not think about how we’ll retort while the other person is still speaking. And most of all, let’s treat each other with respect and kindness, because that’s what everyone wants!
Hi Snigdha. Interesting food for thought… I definitely try to relate everything the other person is saying to my life or a hypothetical scenario and put myself into that situation subconsciously when someone is talking. Although I may be listening to them, the follow up comments always tend to be about how I feel. Actively focusing on the speaker and visualising them in that situation and not you can help formulate meaningful follow up questions that encourage healthy conversation. I will try make that effort. Looking forward to new posts in this category. ☺️
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Likhi! It’s definitely something that all of us are guilty of doing at some point, but it’s so great that you recognize that and want to make the effort to change those actions, for the sake of yourself and others. Really commendable! Thanks so much for the support! 🙂